#5- 50 Questions That Will Free My Mind

I know it's been quite a while since I've actually written in this blog. I will make more of an effort, if for nothing else- my own sanity. Just some updates for the blogosphere: I no longer work at Staples, I am a stay at home mom but will be attending school in about a month to become a LCDC....I'm exhausted most of the time but I can't sleep. And I applied to work at Spec's....here's to hoping, right?!

Now, for the 5th question:
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Okay, technically that's two questions. But fine. Five years ago. Let's see, I'm 23 now, so five years ago I'd be 18. Oh! TOUGH.
Gosh, this really gets me. Eighteen was a hard year. I was a senior in high school/ freshman in college (my birthday is October) so there were a lot of transitions during this time. A lot of growing up as well. Or pretending to be an adult, WITH adults that should know better, and then learning what a True adult really is....after totalling my car of course. Ugh. (that's how my 18th year ended...)

See, I told you. Rough year. So when I was upset...do I remember? Yes. Does it REALLY matter now? In lots of ways, no...but in a lot of ways Yes.

There is a lot of forgive, but Never forget here. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not of gone through put myself through those things. Also, I got sick and in some ways won't ever recover. My immune system is forever shot now, and I'm on a first name basis with most doctors in the ER room. But, you live and learn right?

I think a lot of it has made my anxiety a lot worse, I am struggling with OCD for the first time in years. And I'm not talking neat freak, I'm talking like... bleaching the kitchen until my fingers bleed. Or something of the sort. It's interesting how it decided to resurface right Now, this past month or so. It's also the ten year mark for other traumatic experiences in my life. You'd think I'd have learned the first time, right?

Anyway, in answer to the question...(s)... Yes, I remember. And it does matter now. It matters now because I will always remember never to make those choices again. I will remember to teach Anabell the importance of trust, honesty, faithfulness, faith, strength, and courage. It matters because it shapes how I raise my daughter, and how I make judgements and choices. I remember because of the pain I felt, and the bitter taste I still get. It matters because it formed precious friendships, and bonds that will never be broken. And it matters because it broke some bonds that Needed to be broken. I am thankful, today. I will also remember how it felt at eighteen, forever. At eighteen, I thought I knew everything. I wanted to move out on my own and conquer the world. I had HUGE dreams. None of which included a family and children. By the way! I was very into never getting married, and never having kids. I wanted to travel and go places and see things and experience them. So much, so, that my long-term boyfriend and I broke up because I wanted to go to college single.

Seriously! I was just a very different person than I am today. I'd like to say because of this, I am more grounded. Especially within this past year, from December of last year, to December of this year, I have grown tremendously! Its nice to like who I am for the most part, instead of hating myself. It's also nice to be able to say no to peer pressure, finally. I just learned that one a few weeks ago. I'm one of those people that has to Make the mistakes...I can't watch and learn. Wish I could, but there you have it.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go bleach the bathroom now, because I can't sleep unless it's done. Yeah...this is my life. <3