#5- 50 Questions That Will Free My Mind

I know it's been quite a while since I've actually written in this blog. I will make more of an effort, if for nothing else- my own sanity. Just some updates for the blogosphere: I no longer work at Staples, I am a stay at home mom but will be attending school in about a month to become a LCDC....I'm exhausted most of the time but I can't sleep. And I applied to work at Spec's....here's to hoping, right?!

Now, for the 5th question:
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

Okay, technically that's two questions. But fine. Five years ago. Let's see, I'm 23 now, so five years ago I'd be 18. Oh! TOUGH.
Gosh, this really gets me. Eighteen was a hard year. I was a senior in high school/ freshman in college (my birthday is October) so there were a lot of transitions during this time. A lot of growing up as well. Or pretending to be an adult, WITH adults that should know better, and then learning what a True adult really is....after totalling my car of course. Ugh. (that's how my 18th year ended...)

See, I told you. Rough year. So when I was upset...do I remember? Yes. Does it REALLY matter now? In lots of ways, no...but in a lot of ways Yes.

There is a lot of forgive, but Never forget here. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not of gone through put myself through those things. Also, I got sick and in some ways won't ever recover. My immune system is forever shot now, and I'm on a first name basis with most doctors in the ER room. But, you live and learn right?

I think a lot of it has made my anxiety a lot worse, I am struggling with OCD for the first time in years. And I'm not talking neat freak, I'm talking like... bleaching the kitchen until my fingers bleed. Or something of the sort. It's interesting how it decided to resurface right Now, this past month or so. It's also the ten year mark for other traumatic experiences in my life. You'd think I'd have learned the first time, right?

Anyway, in answer to the question...(s)... Yes, I remember. And it does matter now. It matters now because I will always remember never to make those choices again. I will remember to teach Anabell the importance of trust, honesty, faithfulness, faith, strength, and courage. It matters because it shapes how I raise my daughter, and how I make judgements and choices. I remember because of the pain I felt, and the bitter taste I still get. It matters because it formed precious friendships, and bonds that will never be broken. And it matters because it broke some bonds that Needed to be broken. I am thankful, today. I will also remember how it felt at eighteen, forever. At eighteen, I thought I knew everything. I wanted to move out on my own and conquer the world. I had HUGE dreams. None of which included a family and children. By the way! I was very into never getting married, and never having kids. I wanted to travel and go places and see things and experience them. So much, so, that my long-term boyfriend and I broke up because I wanted to go to college single.

Seriously! I was just a very different person than I am today. I'd like to say because of this, I am more grounded. Especially within this past year, from December of last year, to December of this year, I have grown tremendously! Its nice to like who I am for the most part, instead of hating myself. It's also nice to be able to say no to peer pressure, finally. I just learned that one a few weeks ago. I'm one of those people that has to Make the mistakes...I can't watch and learn. Wish I could, but there you have it.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go bleach the bathroom now, because I can't sleep unless it's done. Yeah...this is my life. <3

Intuition.

 This post is exceedingly personal, and negative comments will be removed. I can not elaborate, but I am attempting to put into words my experiences as of late. 




Anabell all but jumped out of my arms and into her swing, and though there are many blogs and posts and such that I'd love to read, I am finding that these days I hardly have time to write in my own journal, let alone catch up on everyone else's and or post here, on mine.

While Anabell is happily swinging away, I thought I'd post with a fair few updates. Be forwarned, those who know me know that I will not care whether or not you find appreciation in such updates. Some of you will feel enlightened, as I have, and many of you will think, "She is WEIRD." I really don't care.

I have been spending my days playing with Anabell and finding that I learn far more from her than she does from me. She is so wise and beautiful, every day just to be in her presence is a blessing. The fact that she shares her knowledge with me is even more of a blessing.

So, if you are wondering why I have been distant, now you know why. Can you blame me? ;-)

I have also been finding a fine balance between family, and friends, and myself. It is a hard road. I am learning to appreciate every aspect of this new life though, and although it is hard for me to head out with my gal pal, Kayleigh, I am forever thankful that the fates have made it so...

I met Ty while Kay and I were out one night and he was so kind to me with his welcome arms. From across the room I knew what he was. When he read my palm, my thoughts were confirmed-- I was in the midst of a visionary, my friends-- and a darn good one at that. He has offered me lessons. I am terrified at the thought, so naturally, I am going to pursue this.

In other news, I have begun to eat exceptionally healthy, and I am walking as often as I can. Anabell loves this, of course, and I am finding my love for nature more and more every day. I used to be afraid of nature, which is understandable since it is so vast and incredible, and it is surely stronger than I am... but now that fear has grown into a respect, and a love above anything else. It is amazing.

I had a dream last night about my mother and me. We were in a huge feild on top of a hill. I could smell fresh clay and the grass, and of course the embers from the burning fire. We were in a circle chanting, singing, and cheering. We were preparing for war, and the red clay paint was smeared onto our bodies in a tribal fashion. My mother was an older man with bronze skin, and I was her son. We got our arrows ready and stood, ready to fight.

It was a wonderful dream.

I wish I could put these simple sentences into thoughts with feelings and explain in detail these wonderful experiences, but right  now isn't the time for any of that... I'm just going along for the ride at the moment. One day I will sit down and share these stories with you. Thank you for your patience.

Shorts

I only have a few minutes to write this out since Anabell is comfortable in her swing. So here goes.

• Anabell's bottom FIRST tooth is coming in! We wouldn't have known except she sucks her bottom lip and likes to chew on empty sprite cans. We put tape over the top where you can drink from since that's sharp. It's her new faveorite hobby.
• We have cancelled our television, and just kept our internet and netflix. OMG, netflix is this shizzle. We  can watch hours of Dora and Yo Gabba Gabba and it's nice not having a televison running all the time, as we are now spending much more time as a family.
• I am feeling much better. The hallucinations have stopped. I don't take my headache medicine as much anymore, only on an as-needed basis, and it is wonderful. My anti-depressants are really working! I feel like myself again. It's lovely.
• We Rudy rearranged the living room this weekend and it looks so much better! It is now much safer for Anabell for when she starts to crawl around as there aren't any cords all over the floor. =)
• And that's it! My angel wants to play! I love spending every day with her, it really is such a wonderful blessing. <3

Medication and sleep

Just a general update from my last post:

I followed up with my doctor who prescribed me antidepressants/anti-anxiety. He also gave me a different type of medicine to help with the headaches that doesn't knock me on my tush. I can say that I am already feeling immensely better and that I have high hopes that everything will work out. As soon as we get just a wee bit more cash our way we will be finding a therapist for myself, Rudy, and of course as a couple. All positive steps!

I am also writing in my journal again and practicing my religion. As hard as it is to friggin Get The Stuff Out of my Altar, I am SOOOO much more at peace after I even do a Right of Thanks. Also, I am starting to eat better and work out more, all in a good attempt to find that balance. 

In other news, Anabell is so smart and brilliant it drives me insane. I've had my sister here all week watching over my medicated ass, seeing as I can't drive, and sometimes I'd get a little loopy pre-follow up appointment. Anabell can now sit up, drink from her sippy cup, she is starting to crawl, and thanks to my SIL, we have begun to teach her how to soothe herself to sleep. You guys... she went to bed last night at 8PM on the DOT, and woke up at 8AM this morning. She had a rough moment from 1:30-3:00 this morning learning how to self soothe, but we'd check in on her every seven minutes as per the Ferber method, and soothe her without picking her up. Today, at ten AM, her first nap of the day, she fussed and fussed and probably only got 45 hours of sleep. Again, I checked on her every seven minutes and soothed. THEN, At two o'clock she went to sleep by herself and stayed asleep for a whole 1 1/2 hours! Tonight? Same thing, Seven thirty rolled around, she was bathed and fed by seven and she went fast asleep. 

I think Danielle is onto something here! Or, you know, the rest of the parents who have tried rocking, car rides, singing, playing it out, feeding, changing, walking, gripe water, tylenol, teethers, vaccuming.... the swing... ALL OF IT and finding that none of it worked. For the past two months I tried the no-cry-sleep solution and it just... didn't work. The Ferber method worked for us, and we did it the Right way, we didn't just shut the door and walk away until it was morning. We timed it, every seven minutes. Her age, plus a minute, as it clearly states to do. And it's worked. Judge me, whatever. Anabell was SO happy today, so I know I'm doing the right thing. 

I'm just so happy that after only one hard night of tears and a rough patch this morning, all of course while we are checking on her and such, that she's learned how to soothe herself. She's SO SMART! And she is so much happier! That is the very best part.

I guess that's it, besides the fact that I seriously haven't heard any updates from my bestie in like... DAYS and I am desperate. Michelle, where art thou? I miss you! 

XOXOXO

Headaches

So, for the past four months of so, I've been having constantly constant headaches. I'd take a tylenol or an excerdin or whatever, to no avail. They didn't hurt too terribly bad, but they were just... There. Like a constant annoyance. I just chose to ignore them for the most part and if it got bad to where the light bugged me, I'd go to bed with a cold compress on my neck and over the front of my eyes. No big deal.

Well, over the past month my headaches have gotten progressively worse.  Again, I just rested when I could and tried to cut back on stuff that may trigger them, ie junk food, caffiene, etc...

On saturday we went to Galveston to take Anabell to the Mardi Gras carnival and 6:30 Parade. We got home and my head was mildly hurting, we were getting ready for bed around ten o'clock or so, and I went to go check on Anabell who was fast asleep in her crib.

"Babe, there's a HUGE cockroach in Anabell's room, can you come get it?"-me

"Sure babe, no problem. Can you get the paper towels for me?"-Rudy

I got the paper towels and Rudy went into Anabell's room armed.

 "Steph, there's no cockroach in here. I swear, I can't see it."-Rudy

Anabell's room has only one nightlight and as soon as she's in bed that's the ONLY light we use, so she stays asleep during diaper changes, so I went in to point it out to him.

"Rudy, it's Right there, next to the box of pampers on the floor. See? It's crawling to the window."-me

Rudy picked up the pamper box, ready to attack, and I saw the cockroach scatter to Anabell's crib and then. .disappear.

It vanished into Nothing. I was hallucinating, and I knew it. Terrified, I called my sister and asked her what the HECK to do. Rudy was all for me going to bed, but I was too scared to sleep. My head was earsplitting at this point in terrible aching pain, and I was SEEING THINGS. Around this time, I felt like I had bugs all over me, and my skin was crawling. We went to the ER at St.John's.

I checked in and told them everything about my headaches, my deppresion, and of course the hallucinations. First they asked me if I was using any drugs, and when I said no they said that I was "Outside their realm of knowledge on this subject." So, they sent me home and told me to wait until Monday and find a psychologist to help me "work through my problems." They also gave me a packet that clearly stated that if I was having hallucinations I should Go To The Hospital. Um, thanks you unhelpful people, I am AT the hospital for hallucinations and you are Sending Me Home.

 I slept all day Sunday, basically, and around four o'clock we went over to see Rudy's parents. That was exceptionally stressful and on the way home I got the Worst Headache In My Life. Scared, I called my mom and sister bawling.. I didn't know what to do. If the hospital told me to wait, shouldn't I wait? I was so scared. I called St.John's and the nurse said they'd probably just give me the run around again, so I was better off finding someone else that could help.

I called Memorial Hermann Southeast because I had good experiences with them before, and they said they'd definitely treat me. Off we went. I walked into the ER triage and nurse Connie was Amazing. She didn't ask me ONCE if I was on drugs. Instead she complimented me on my beautiful baby girl who was content with her daddy in the waiting room, such a trooper! She set me up for a CT Scan, and about an hour later I was getting my brain scanned.

They took me to a dark room after with cold compresses to relax until they got my results. A very kind doctor came in and said that I've got tension headaches and that those can lead to depression, anxiety, and hallucinations if they go untreated. He gave me lots of feel-good drugs, the good kind that I can still tend to Anabell if need be and he sent me on my way. I only have to take my medicine on an "As needed" basis, and I can get refills anytime. Uninsured, my Valium and Vicodin only costs $25 at CVS. I'm pretty proud of myself, because since my release, I've only had two doses, and at 5mg, I can take a dose every 3 hours. I just feel so much better!

After one DAY, I'm not suicidal, or upset, or... anxious. I feel fine. It is really very wonderful, and I know that I can talk to people now. Thank goodness!! Rudy and Anabell were troopers through all of this. Anabell was having a blast, and Rudy was just so kind and understanding. He must really love me, seeing as he never once thought I was crazy. It's just wonderful.

<3

#4- 50 Questions That Will Free My Mind

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I would love to say no, but that isn't the honest answer. At least not today... or this year so far.
If I were to die right now, the answer would be yes, I have said more than I've done.

Life gets in the way of a lot of "doing." I'd love to lose more weight, be a better spouse, get an education, and so on and so fourth but sometimes I have very dark days. Extremely dark. And I just about give up on myself.

I feel like I owe it to myself to at least start working out. This is huge for me. I feel like I would be exceptionally better off if I just moved. The only problem right now is that I don't have the proper shoes, even to walk outside with Anabell in her stroller. Rudy says we will get me shoes, but... it's been over a month now and we spend money on other things like eating out or margaritas. 

It's comical to read, but that's why I'm answering these questions: to challenge myself. 

Things have been really rough lately, and although that honestly isn't an excuse, it sure feels like one. It's been a long week, can you tell? 

  If I could Do more starting today, Right Now these are the things I would change:

-be a better spouse, learn to be patient and listen 

-learn how to communicate more efficiently

-lose weight, get into shape

-get another job

-save job money for Anabell's college fund

-free ourselves from debt

-finish college and start my career

Some of those things are very short-term, but I feel like all of those things would have positive lasting effects. I wish I could say more on this subject, but again, dark days are upon me and times are hard right now. I'll let you guys know how things are coming along, but right now, I think I just need to take some time and get priorities in order.

I'll keep you lot posted.

Sleep 101

Ok, I feel so silly somtimes! Last night was god friggin awful. Anabell didn't want to be rocked, wouldn't go to sleep, was EXHAUSTED, wouldn't play... we tried EVERYTHING. Even tylenol. You guys, she wouldn't sleep!!

So I'm on 3ish hours of sleep right now, poor Rudy is at work after helping me last night! Bless him.

I figured it out. Today, when it was time to put her down for her nap, I noticed she was very, very tired. So I set her in her crib and would come check my blogs.

She'd move, and I go rushing into the room to soothe her, she'd grin up at me and kick about. I'd pick her up, rock her, and then try to set her back down again.

Ok, Ok, OKAY I'm SO silly! I even read it in the No Cry Sleep Solution. Some babies prefer their cribs. Anabell pretty much always has. Over time, though, my anxiety got in the way of allowing her to have a good rest. She stirred, and I'd freak. I think babies can Feel what I Feel, kwim?

So, I re-read everything and set her in her crib with her soother. She was out in about 6 minutes or so... she fussed and kicked a bit, but went RIGHT to sleep. So, ok, sleep problem isn't related to Anabell... unless you're talking about technicalities, here... the sleep "problem" has been me!

I'll try to remember that next time. I am just laughing at myself now. Jeez...